Overcoming Fears

Hello there lovelies. I thought today I’d talk a little about fears. Example, I’m absolutely terrified of spiders and the unknown. If there’s a spider in my room you can just bet that I’ll be leaving the house asap and won’t be returning until that spider is gone. Some people are afraid of pigeons, fire, maybe you’re scared of mayonnaise. Who knows.

For years, I was afraid of my own body. Not in a looking in the mirror and screaming in horror sort of way, but in a way that I can’t show my legs in public, can’t wear dresses, can’t have the tops of my arms out on show. I was, I mean, I still am, terrified of showing my body to others, and what people might think, or even worse, what they might say. I spend my summers in sweltering heat, dressed in leggings and long shirts, whilst my friends dance around in shorts and dresses. And I only wish I could do the same.

But I can do the same. There isn’t anybody stopping me. Nobody guarding my wardrobe and tugging my dresses away from me. Except myself. I am my own demon. I felt like, because my legs weren’t skinny and soft, and my arms weren’t toned, I didn’t have a place in public to show them off. I was hiding probably the most beautiful parts of me because I just didn’t have the confidence to be myself.

However, last month I went to Greece, my first holiday in five years, the first time I’d had the confidence to leave the country, due to my anxieties and other factors. I wasn’t going to wear leggings and jeans here. No way and I had decided that months before. I wasn’t going to victimise myself, I wanted to be comfortable and I wanted to feel beautiful.

I bought myself shorts and dresses and only packed one pair of leggings. It was a challenge I had set myself to overcome my worst fear. And it was the hardest thing I’d ever done. But I did it. I wore these bright floral shorts and didn’t feel horrible, and I didn’t feel ashamed. I felt beautiful and I felt for once in my life, fashionable. I felt so free and wonderful in these skimpy shorts and nobody gave me a second look, like I had dreaded they would. Nobody laughed as my mind had presumed they would. I walked around the town in these shorts and an off the shoulder top and I felt so wonderful and brave.

Might I add, that same day, I wore a bikini too. I lounged on the beach like a goddamn goddess and tanned and flipped and stretched and didn’t feel the need to hold my arms across my stomach or drape a towel over my legs like I’d done for so many years before. I felt wonderful and beautiful.

There’s something about the beach, it summons the deeper parts of my brain to function and I think and I write poetry and I believe, when I’m by the sea, at the edge of land, I feel most connected to myself. the world seems so much bigger when you’re standing at the edge of it, and you seem so much more smaller and I think there’s something calming about that. I looked from one end of the beach to the other and there were people, both old and young, short and tall, big and small, and they wore all sorts of things. They went braless, strapless, bikini, swimming costume, beach dress. There was every type of fashion and every single one of them worked, and nobody looked scared to run along the sand with their tummy wobbling or the back of their thighs sagging. Everyone seemed happy, content. It was such a pleasurable sight. Like everybody was just at peace with themselves.

On the way back from the beach, I wore a beach throw, white dress thing, showing off my legs once more. I wore this all day and I felt so happy and giddy. It was such an amazing feeling to overcome this fear that was trapped within me for so many years.

I think it’s so important to step out of your comfort zone every now and then, even if it’s the worst thing you think you’ll do. It’s important to test the waters and try something different. I felt so perfect that day and it was only the beginning, it was such a small step but felt gigantic. Since being back home in London, I’ve kept to wearing leggings unfortunately but I still have the memory of how I felt, and I do believe that when it comes to it, I’ll be able to do it again, and as I do it more, it will become easier, and one day, I won’t even have to give it a second thought, I’ll just pull out a pair of shorts, stick them on and leave the house, grinning and giggling like I always am.

I’m not good enough a writer to explain how I felt. Maybe one day I’ll be able to express myself better but all I can say is this; imagine holding your most treasured item in your hands, be that, a puppy, or a book, or I don’t know, even Niall Horan (hehe) and having them be yours completely, having a smile on your face so wide that your cheeks ache, and your tummy clenches from laughing so much. Imagine brilliant sunshine with a warm glow, a hand holding your own, a kiss so soft that it makes your knees turn to jelly. I felt all of this at once, like my body was warm and was screaming thanks at me and hugging me tightly.

It felt so wonderful to be myself truly for a day. I think, what I’m trying to say, is that for the first time that day, I truly loved myself, every last inch of me.

#beach #holiday #bodyconfidence #bikinibody #clothes #fashion #plussize