Reasons of Happiness. Part One.

I felt something awaken within me that hasn't raised its head in a while when he told me my eyes were beautiful. Someone once told me through a laugh that I was a bad kisser and that my eyes reminded him of the colour of mud. They were someone i trusted and they tore me down like a piece of paper. I believed every bad thing they ever said about me and it's only now i'm realising how much harm they actually did. All the little quips and remarks they would make i'm only now realising hurt me. It's funny how long it took for it to sink in that his words were like daggers in me and now that someone's come along, someone kind and ready to help me see something better of myself, i'm understanding how important respect is between two people. Somebody once put me down and i stayed and suddenly i can feel myself standing once more. It's like the dust is falling off of me and for the first time in quite a while i'm excited- constantly. It's weird feeling these things again because i've spent a long time telling myself that i was completely unwanted and unloved and i'm being proved wrong, more and more by the day and i'm starting to love it. Autumn is coming and sweaters will be coming out of boxes. Happiness reaches a type of content within me when the leaves turn brown on trees. The feeling that i want to write stories, happy stories, is rumbling now and i think i might change the plot of my book. The beginning of my 2017 started with some very sad poetry, and heartbreaking little extracts about not being loved and missing people and it's funny, because i don't feel like that now. I want to write about the sunshine and maybe even about his smile because i don't feel sad anymore. I'm excited for cheesy halloween films (it's September guys it's halloween ok) and for pumpkins and fireworks, a freezing bonfire night with a casserole and an overload of chai lattes that my barista always makes with a shot of cinnamon for me because i once bought him a blueberry muffin. University is starting soon and i'm excited for this second year. I'm also nervous as hell because currently i don't have any friends there because last year was a difficult one for me. I'm hoping this year something changes because i feel i've changed as well. I want this year to be a good one, i'm really ready this time. I'm happy to get back in to the work environment and get one step closer to writing my book one day. I want to go back to the sappy beginning of this post, because really, it was the entire reason for my appearance here. So far, the unnamed 'he' in this post has proved every bad thing i've said about myself wrong and I don't want to seem like an idiot chatting here about it because god knows he's probably reading and either laughing, or cringing and deleting my number (of which i hope not) (and if you are reading this get off your high horse okay kid ;) ). I've worked on loving myself steadily for a year now, changing the way i feel about myself and i thought i was on a good track, on the home run if you like, but I find myself suddenly feeling insecure- the 'hide your tummy behind a pillow when you sit down' sort of insecurity that i thought i'd left behind. I'm not as confident as i thought i had grown to be and at first this really scared me, because, in all honesty, i felt like a vulnerable 14 year old again, completely lost and alone in this tandem of self hatred and confusion and I didn't like it at all. I like to feel in control of my feelings but i know that's not always going to happen. Because you can meet somebody, or talk to an old friend and suddenly feel at the beginning again, like all that stuff you'd talked yourself up to has just gone but I reckon that's okay. I really think it is. Beginnings are exciting and they're supposed to be nerve wracking because what would a first kiss be without butterflies in your tummy? Or what would asking someone out be without the fear of rejection? Beginnings are scary but in the best sort of way. And I think i'm at the beginning of something at the moment, I hope I am anyway. But then again, i don't suppose i'll know if i'm at the beginning until I've gone half way.

I don't know what i'm trying to say really, i suppose i'm just happy at the moment and i'm a firm believer in spreading happiness wherever possible. I'm nervous-happy, but apparently i have beautiful eyes, so it's a very good kind of nervous-happy.

#happiness #selflove #kindness #happy #positive #positivity