Recovery isn't a straight road

So, here’s the thing. For years now I’ve suffered with a whole medley of things. Depression, anxiety, insomnia, ocd, to name a few. I’ve tried every sort of recovery method in the book. I’ve had therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, I’ve tried all the drugs, and nothing ever seemed to work. I’ve got agoraphobia, which quite literally means the fear of no escape. But it can vary. So, for me, alongside my anxiety, I find it near impossible to go out on my own or to be in situations involving people on my own- meeting people in larger than a one on one basis is basically my worst nightmare and I get claustrophobic like there’s no tomorrow.

I’ve always been open about this because I feel it’s important to share your difficulties in order to help others.

About a year and a half ago I came in to contact with an amazing therapist called Helen and she helped me talk things through and instead of trying to make me do things, she just listened. She cried when I cried and she would meet me wherever I felt comfortable. It was because of her that I took my first big steps in to overcoming my difficulties.

I’d been stuck in this cycle of staying at home, dropping out of college, not seeing people for months for about two years, when my ex left me and I fell out with my friends. I remember not being able to comprehend how one person could feel so alone. It was this awful sinking feeling that I couldn’t grasp. It all happened in the space of a couple weeks. I don’t really like to talk about my ex because the bastard hurt me (as so many boys do lol) but he left me and before I could even begin to comprehend that my best friend left too (she would come back eventually, only to leave again though) and every line of communication I had basically shut off.

Anyway, this therapist helped me look at the bigger picture and taught me that it was okay not to be okay, which at the time, was a lifesaving piece of knowledge.

You’re probably not sure what the point of this blog post is and to be honest with you, I’m not quite sure either. But the thing is, is that I got better. I got a job and I started university and things really started picking, but the thing was, was that, I still had anxiety and agoraphobia, and I still do as well. I didn’t actually make any friends at university and recently I’ve started to blame myself for that and I’ve stopped venturing out the house as often as I had been doing.

Its dawned on me that recovery isn’t how its portrayed in movies and books. It’s not one smile and you’re cured. It’s not about stepping out of the house and living your life. It’s like a maze, constantly taking wrong turns and ending up back at the beginning. Recovery is about setbacks and feeling stupid and like it’s not working. It’s such a slow process.

I suppose what triggered this post is something that’s happened recently. I got dressed yesterday to go out and do shopping so I could make myself some dinner. I got completely ready, put my shoes on, picked up my car keys and froze. I couldn’t walk out the door. Suddenly the idea of walking through a supermarket, surrounded by people was terrifying. Within five minutes I was back in my pyjamas lying in bed in a frenzy of tears and panic.

That’s not exactly a nice image, or the sort that I wanted to associate with my blog. This blog is supposed to be happy, it’s supposed to be my personal story with little anecdotes, extracts from my work and positivity and confidence but yesterday none of that seemed possible. And I thought, this is real life, this is stuff that actually happens because in reality, life isn’t one happy success story after another, its full of ups and downs and I wanted to show that. I want people to know that falling back is okay, and being terrified to meet new people is okay, not being able to leave your house, is okay.

A lot of my blog posts seem to be just rambles and stories about me and some of you might not like it or see the point in it but I think this blog is important, for myself, it’s a documentation of what recovery is like, it’s a bank for stories I write, and want to share, for my feelings and for tips on how to live well. It’s a true insight in to the life of jess. And it’s important to show both the happy successful side and the broken, scared side. Because both are real.

So yesterday I had a setback. And I’ll probably have quite a few more to come. But I dealt with it. And that’s all I can do. All anybody can do is deal with it and try to find ways to cope and smile.

Yeah, this was just a little post with some background information I suppose. Another document in the life of jess. Hope you’re all wonderful and happy. Lots of love. X

#happiness #therapy #setbacks #recovery #journey